Forgiveness, and Why it’s a Must.
In the name of God, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful.
Forgiveness stirs anger in many people. They struggle to to believe that they can let go of an injustice. That they can simply absolve another and lift the very chains that person placed upon them. Anyone who encourages them to let go is “foolish” or “ignorant.”
“You just don’t understand what they did or said to me. If you had any idea, you’d see my side,” they tell you, their eyes wide with rage, their voice shaking the ceiling. They’re imprisoned in their own fury.
I was one of those people. I held onto anger and resentment. Clutched them tightly, life preservers that kept me afloat within life’s tempestuous sea. They became my fuel. I was empty inside. And I believed that if I discarded my anger and resentment, then I’d be left purposeless or weak. I thought it made me strong and masculine to hold onto the past. I swore I wouldn’t let go and forgive until someone apologized. Until they were made to feel the shame and heartache they inflicted on me. But such a mindset only furthered my despair. My mind busied itself with focusing on anger and wrath rather than on growth and nourishment. I didn’t realize that I was degrading myself and chaining myself to the past.
Forgiveness wasn’t mirrored to me in my childhood. Oftentimes, I felt like I couldn’t make a mistake. I was always supposed to “know better.” My mistrials were a major inconvenience and I wasn’t given grace. I was harshly rebuked, my character often defamed if I didn’t achieve perfection and avoid compromising another’s peace and sanity. The idea of perfection inculcated within me is the one I brandished during my early adult years. If someone hurt me or made a common error, I needed them to know it. It was personal. I believed my resentment would inflict the very same harm they caused to me (directly or indirectly—although I’d be willing to bet that it was indirectly most of the time). Yet it never went anywhere. I’d still end up feeling worse. And I repeated this mistake many more times.
Until God awakened me through my own trials and tribulations. I was then shown one of life’s universal truths: my own imperfection. I found myself unintentionally making mistakes, hurting others, and falling short. I said the wrong things. Did the wrong things. Drew tears out of people’s eyes. My then-sharp tongue cut many people’s hearts and their confidence. I lashed out. I was often impulsive and made choices that didn’t always accommodate others. And, ironically, I found myself needing forgiveness—the very gift I hated granting others. I also found that I needed God’s forgiveness and mercy, along with my own. And that transformed my heart. Emptied it of all arrogance and hate. Planted goodness and allowed my past to quietly slip away unnoticed. Such realizations struck me. God is always ready to forgive our mountainous sins.
One of my favorite quotes about forgiveness and mercy is from the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, where he said: “The merciful will be shown mercy by the Most Merciful. Be merciful to those on the earth and the One in the heavens will have mercy upon you.”
Even if you’re not a believer, you can acknowledge that you have made mistakes and felt the warm mercy of others as they forgave you and kindly let your mistake(s) disappear. So if you expect God or others to forgive you, how can you not offer forgiveness and free others from these continuously wrathful cycles? This very realization of my own fallibility humbled me. It dethroned my anger. I stopped placing resentment above other people’s humanity and realized that forgiveness is necessary. We all need to receive and give it. It’s an important part of growth.
I started by learning to forgive myself. I had the tendency to continually blame and shame myself. It was so hard to let go and honor that I had growing to do. I thought I should have just known. I spent years condemning myself to a mental prison sentence of humiliation and guilt. Until I finally realized that I deserve my own kindness. I deserve to press my hands against the most wounded parts of myself to stop the bleeding, work on healing, and learn to live for better days.
The critical voices in my head weren’t my own. I never choose them. I never offered them residency and made them at home in my mind. They were imposed on me. Seared into the very fabric of my mental well-being from others during my younger, more impressionable years. My own kindness was the key to unlock the chains that were placed on me.
I started letting go of all the mistakes I made. I looked them deep in their watchful eyes and thanked them. Honored the truths they bestowed upon me. Acknowledged that the man I am today—the very man that I’m so proud to be—was birthed and molded by the moments that humbled me, deconstructed my ego, and poked holes in my heart that so that humility and kindness could fill it. My mistakes weren’t my enemies. They were lessons. Guides that held my hand, reminded me of my humanity, and showed me a better way forward. Mistakes also teach us the beauty of mercy. The beauty of being able to lift our past’s weight and liberate ourselves and others even when we have clearly erred. And the beauty of being able to grow and prosper wherever our wrongdoings have planted us.
It’s easier to be compassionate and merciful to others when we learn to be that way with ourselves. I didn’t realize that the subconscious beliefs I carried from childhood restricted me and made it harder to forgive myself and others. And maybe you’re the same way. Maybe you’re used to perfection being the pathway to love. So you try to avoid mistakes. You tiptoe around your loved ones’s minefields of anger that’ll cost you their love. Maybe your parents shouted and scoffed at you whenever you made a mistake. Maybe they didn’t know how to warmly embrace you because they were never shown how to warmly embrace themselves. And this is why you may find yourself being unkind and unforgiving to others. It’s time you rewrite this narrative so that you heal and move forward.
Not all mistakes are unintentional. Some people might have purposely hurt or wronged you. Still, forgiveness is the way. Holding onto their actions will trap you in the past and prevent you from building a better future as you enjoy the present. You forgive, not because you’re approving their actions or giving them a pass, but to show yourself that your heart will never harden due to another’s coldness or cruelty. To show yourself that no one has the power to confine you to the past or control your thinking. You deserve freedom. You deserve God’s love, warmth, and mercy to permeate your life. But you won’t be able to experience such sweetness if anger is clouding you and overtaking your heart. Forgiveness isn’t about them. It’s much deeper; a river that follows a vast course many may never witness or understand.
And you forgive for God and yourself. You forgive so that you can move on and let go of the weights you’ve been carrying. So that you no longer stay attached to situations and times that have passed. You’re here. Not at that coffee shop where they walked out on you, or in your old living room during your younger years where you were crying after being harshly scolded. You exist in this present moment, and that’s where your focus should be. That’s why you must shut the book of your past, forgive yourself and others, and move toward brighter days. The storm clouds will clear as soon as you forgive and make way for newness. You deserve it, and you’ll realize that forgiveness has always been about God, you, and your growth. Not anyone else.
