Why You Can’t Let Go

In the name of God, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful.

You stay up most of hours of the night with tears streaming down your face. Questions circle your mind. You replay the events, watching in horror as every unsaid word dances before your eyes and your significant other leaves again. You run to the door, hoping to call out to them before they fade into oblivion. But nothing works. They’re gone, and you’re left in the dust of their departure, sifting through your broken pieces and wondering where you went wrong.

Days turn into months, and then months turn into years. The pain is still present, ravaging your heart. A fresh wound that flares up and transports you to the past. If someone questions you, you can recall everything like it was yesterday. The words still echo in your mind, resounding through your most delicate parts. You feel you can’t move on. You believe it was all your fault and you constantly shame yourself for every unsaid word, missed opportunity, and time you felt you were “too much.” It reminds you of every ache you’ve endured. The softest parts of you become the most pronounced, reminding you of every departure and farewell that drained your hope and drew tears from your eyes.

You refuse to give anyone a chance. You believe marriage and commitment are pointless. You don’t want to pour your all into another’s glass, only to lose your most valuable energy and watch yourself dissipate. If anyone even dares to mention marriage and getting to know someone, you immediately scoff, your mind re-projecting your last heartbreak. Their departing footprints are still imprinted in your heart’s doorway, blocking its entrance.

But this heartbreak isn’t about them. Sure, they hurt you. They said and did things that scarred you. Left wounds that you’re still stitching shut; cracks that you’re still smoothing over. But this is deeper than them. Deeper than whatever suffering they’ve inflicted.

Because they’re gone. They’ve been gone. They haven’t talked to you in months or years. You haven’t so much as heard their voice in what seems like forever.

Yet you’re still holding onto them and their absence. You’re assigning a meaning to the ending that no one else has. It’s not that they left; it’s that you weren’t good enough to make them stay. It’s not that you deserved more; it’s that you shouldn’t have been so “needy.” It’s not that you’re entitled to ask for your needs to be met; it’s that you should’ve been more understanding.

Everything revolves around your unworthiness. And this is what you must realize. You have all of these assumptions and narratives that affix you to the past and make you believe that everything is your fault. That you must wear a cape, flash a smile, and save everyone from their own burning buildings of emotions, as you burn in your own. You’ve been living your life based on these preconceptions for years.

You’ve long felt you weren’t good enough and have constantly derived your worth from self-sacrificing and stifling your needs. You swallow your words and bury your deepest desires because you subconsciously believe they aren’t as important as someone else’s and you don’t want to trouble anyone. You feel the need to tip-toe around other people, their feelings being a calm, sunlit valley, yours being an all-consuming fire that must be suppressed. You’ve never questioned why you feel such things and why you struggle to prioritize yourself.

So you continually carry these patterns into other areas of your life. You project such beliefs onto your reality because you’ve long carried them. You’ve had a hurtful past and heartbreaking times that broke your confidence and cracked your self-worth. In your childhood, you had to sacrifice your needs and bury your deepest desires because you didn’t want to trouble your parents or caregiver. You didn’t want your natural desires to impose on their inability to show up for you. You mistook their emotional unavailability as you being “too needy.” In your previous marriage, you feared abandonment so much that you’d rather imprison your words and feelings and die on the inside, than have them walk out on you. And this is what you’ve tailored your life around. You don’t want to bother your spouse, friends, and close people. You were never taught to prioritize your needs; you believe they’re insignificant and burdensome. A lofty weight that’d break another’s back and make them loathe you.

And that’s why you believe that your previous, seemingly impossible-to-get-over ending is your fault. That’s why you hold onto it. Your hurtful beliefs continue to sear these stories into your mind and restrict you from letting go and realizing that sometimes, things just end. Some people leave because they have their own wounds, or they’re looking for something that’s in a deeper alignment with them. It’s not that you’re “not good enough” or “unworthy.” It’s that you must learn to prioritize yourself and validate your needs. Resentment fills your soul and burns through your being. It poisons your smile and makes you scoff at others’ happiness. You think you’re resenting other people—but really, you’re resenting yourself.

You know that you must speak up. That you must breathe life into your hibernating desires and allow them to flutter out of your mouth and populate the ears of those who are closest to you. You know your feelings deserve more validation. But you’re afraid to do it. You’re stuck in the past, reliving the times your mother, father, caregiver, or ex significant other denied you and shattered your openness. You barricade your heart thinking that you’re protecting yourself—when, in reality, you’re trapping your inner beauty and quelling your ability to get what you deserve.

You can’t let go because the pain is still raw and your focus is on everyone who’s hurt you, rather than on yourself for continually making these choices and refusing to speak your truths. You can’t let go because you’re busy thinking you’re unworthy and allowing your heartfelt words to wilt inside you, when you should be liberating them and allowing their power to reverberate through the hearts of those closest to you. You can’t let go, because you’ve spent years gleaning your worth from your ability to serve others, as your needs recede and fade away. You can’t let go, because the idea of you being loved and accepted is both unsettling and unbelievable. But you’ll never change if you don’t make a new choice. If you don’t stand up for yourself and say that “enough is enough.” If you don’t walk away from the hurt and allow new experiences to warmly embrace you and encompass your worthiness.

And that’s why it’s time to bid farewell to the past. To gently tuck it into the deepest parts of your mind as you set your sight forward and embrace the warm glow of hope and the kindness of a better future. It’s time you wake up to yourself and acknowledge that there can’t be any room for these old wounds. You must clean your inner space and invite new experiences to settle within you. You’re worthy. You deserve better. And it’s time you make choices that honor such beliefs and strengthen your self-worth, so that you can live a deeper life of meaning. A life that connects you back to God, yourself, and your most esteemed values. You deserve it. And you can get there. You’re only one choice away from a change. One step away from being someone different. Someone who expects more and refuses to tolerate less. Someone who trusts and values themselves enough to walk away when the soil is no longer fertile and the fruits are no longer growing. Who fights just as hard for themselves as they always have for others. You can get there, and you’re going to rejoice and bask in the glory of true transformation once you do.